Do you know why we love quotes so much?
Because they have power, the power to hit you and pierce through to your core like a bolt of lightning — a bolt that will not damage you like real lightning will, but will keep you lit up, warmed, or energized with new resolve to BE.BETTER. or CHANGE. or GET.IT.DONE.
Image: Thomas Hawk on Flickr
The Attentions of Others
That just happened to me with this quote from Alain de Botton, shared in his book Status Anxiety:
“The attentions of others matter to us because we are afflicted by a congenital uncertainty as to our own value, as a result of which affliction we tend to allow others’ appraisals to play a determining role in how we see ourselves. Our sense of identity is held captive by the judgements of those we live among. If they are amused by our jokes, we grow confident in our power to amuse. If they praise us, we develop an impression of high merit. And if they avoid our gaze when we enter a room or look impatient after we have revealed our occupation, we may fall into feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness.”
It hit me as a HO‘OHANOHANO lightning bolt:
Ho‘ohanohano is thought of as the value of respect and self-respect, for it teaches us to honor the dignity of others, while we conduct ourselves with distinction, honor, and integrity as well. Hanohano is a glorious dignity, and to Ho‘o is to make it happen! We honor the intelligence of others, and we seek to learn from them. We ourselves aspire to be as upright in character and as trustworthy as we can possibly be. Short and sweet, this is the value of good, and noble behavior. “Conduct yourself with distinction” is significant as our Ho‘ohanohano expectation within Managing with Aloha.
Botton’s quote took me all the way back —15 years! — to the story I shared with you in Managing with Aloha about unintentional neglect. In part,
“About a year before I left Hualalai, I discovered that as self-defining as dignity and respect seemed to be, it wasn’t always a simple matter to uphold them. I could continually learn about Ho‘ohanohano and treating people better with foresight and intention. It was a very difficult and painful lesson about unintentional neglect.”
“An employee became very angry with me for not continuing to involve her in my work, and she became very bitter about the organization as a whole in the process. She felt that I had made her an outcast, because in reassigning her to another manager I severed the line of communication we previously had.”
“As my own job evolved, I found I no longer needed the service she had once provided me with. I recognized her past contributions, and wanted her to have a new role in our company, and I felt we had agreed upon a reassignment as the best course of action. I truly believed that her new role would be much better for her, that it would undoubtably be more satisfying and fulfilling.”
“I felt this change was expected, understood and fully explained, however I was wrong thinking she was okay with it. I hadn’t fully considered how she truly felt, and I totally missed seeing the hit to her dignity.”
—Managing with Aloha, 2nd Edition page 180
The story is about the deterioration of a boss-employee relationship over the course of several months, however as managers, we must be aware of how much our small, everyday actions —‘that look’ here, ‘that response’ there… can affect those who work with us.
The Improvisational Art of Response and Reaction
One description we hear about management, is that it is ‘an improvisational art.’
Stuff comes up, and comes at us in rapid fashion over the course of our day, and we respond, we react. We’ll respond directly, and we’ll react with an aside —a facial expression, or another change in body language that we fail to keep as in-check as the response we were more careful to say.
Well guess what; people ‘hear’ both from us. Response and reaction.
There might be a delayed reaction too, a later action we see as follow-up, but the other person involved receives it as unexpected. Not out of the blue, but with a gravity they are surprised and bewildered by —the very reason the best follow-up is always done in person… for this can become a case of unintentional neglect as well.
Tough skins are for rhinos, not humans.
Since publishing my unintentional neglect story, I’ve had several readers try to help me feel better about it over the years. They tell me not to assume total responsibility for what had happened, stating that every employee has to speak up for themselves, and be more assertive when they need to be, and that they should have a tougher skin, for that’s what’s required in the workplace.
I appreciate their kindness, and I agree with most of what they say about KULEANA, accepting one’s personal responsibility in all circumstances. However, when you’re a manager, the greater responsibility will always lie with you, to ‘be the bigger person’ and to fill any void an employee does not fill as they should —voids and uncomfortable silences suck life out of far too many workplace circumstances, and it’s the manager’s responsibility to assure they don’t.
Tough skins are for rhinos, not people.
The care and compassion of MĀLAMA and HO‘OHANOHANO are for people.
To Mālama is to take care of, to serve and to honor, to protect and watch over. Thus Mālama is thought of as the benevolent value of stewardship with compassion. In business it refers to the utmost care of all business assets, with particular caring for the most important ones, our human assets… Acts of caring drive us to high performance levels in our work with others: In giving we become unselfish. We forge stronger partnerships because we elevate others.
Managing with Aloha is effectiveness achieved intentionally and directly, yet we always work on being tactful, polite, and civil.
We can manage well, and still check those opinions we have that are uncalled for, and need not be said.
I encourage you to read the quote from Alain de Botton again. This time, think about your workplace partnerships as you do so —get their faces in your mind’s eye, and think about some of the recent interactions you’ve had. In the improvisational art of management, we play back those scenes, and we become better next time.
“The attentions of others matter to us because we are afflicted by a congenital uncertainty as to our own value, as a result of which affliction we tend to allow others’ appraisals to play a determining role in how we see ourselves. Our sense of identity is held captive by the judgements of those we live among. If they are amused by our jokes, we grow confident in our power to amuse. If they praise us, we develop an impression of high merit. And if they avoid our gaze when we enter a room or look impatient after we have revealed our occupation, we may fall into feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness.”
The role we managers play, in determining how others may see themselves, whether we intend for that to happen or not, is profound. Please, let’s always be aware of it.
This cannot be said enough:
“Managing others is a profound responsibility.
In ALOHA we are held accountable, and working true our values,
we ourselves become better.”
—Managing with Aloha
Thank you for reading, and mahalo to Charles Chu for sharing Alain de Botton’s quote with me.
Rosa
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